Struggle Bus Central

When I lived in China I used to blog almost daily, and it was easy. Now, 15 years later, I cannot get myself to sit down, calm down, and type out all of these jumbled words in my head. Its been an insane past few months, dealing with a lot with who I am, my purpose on this earth, and my goals for the future. God IS in control, I absolutely realize that- but I am human and impatient. I don’t like sitting around waiting for time to do its thing. Hence – Struggle Bus Central.

China was exciting, my life was exciting until recently ( I realize I am being hard on myself). I moved 1,000 mph through my life when I was younger – China, Kentucky, Grad School, Indiana, foster parenting – then it abruptly stopped May 2021. But let us step back first to February 2020.

Covid-19 was out of site out of mind. I was working insane hours for DCS, fostering a 15 year old boy who I had known for years. Life was stressful, but okay and moving in the direction I thought was the way it was supposed to go. That’s what I get, I thought– God had other plans. I smile and laugh now but that was a tough time. Roughly two weeks later we find ourselves in the midst of a pandemic. My kiddo is doing online school and I am struggling to balance life with all the recent changes. See, I unexpectedly lost my job Feb. 28 2020. It was a surprise, and a traumatic separation. I loved that job. Even though it was by far the most difficult job on the planet, I loved it; I felt I was good at it. I was planning to grow old in that job and die at my desk (ya know social workers don’t retire lol). I worked with close friends, treasured all those relationships, and especially the kiddos I worked with, some for the entire 6 years I was there. I was violently ripped from their world, and mine, and struggled with that for a long time, still to this day. I couldn’t tell my family, I was embarrassed, mad at myself, disappointed in the system, and just plain heartbroken. I kept it a secret for several months, I just couldn’t get to myself the idea of losing something I loved so much. But it was ultimately chewing my soul up, and I now believe God intervened on my behalf because he knew what the next 12 months would bring. Only now do I shake my head and realize this- I ended up investing my life in 2 young men for the next year.

I had traumatic nightmares for several months after leaving my job with DCS. I didn’t realize how much emotional toll that job had on me. In July my 15 year old had to go to residential, and that was a tough transition- we had to “trick” him to get him to go. I hate that to this day, I’m thankful to the individuals that helped me through that, but dang, that was tough. He was so out of control, blaming me for all his problems, to where I was feeling like I was in an abusive relationship- he needed higher level of care. So he went to Indianapolis and I ended up spending the next two months recovering.

I started focusing on an 11 year old boy that came to my home in the end of September 2020. This boy made me laugh like no other for the first little bit while he was in my home. Then came the battles, and they were nothing I have ever experienced in my life, nor expected to. Guys, I have had every trauma training in the world, and almost every training that is possible. I get this stuff. I teach this stuff. I live this stuff. But being stuck at home with a lower functioning 11 year old boy for 23 hours a day for months on end during a pandemic can make someone lose their mind. And I lost it. It took time, it took the failure of an educational system that was refusing to educate my foster son. He was in the 4th grade and was reading at a Kindergarten level, everything was about that level. He acted like an 140 pound 3 year old, playing out his trauma and struggling to understand and interpret the world around him. Myself and his team found ourselves in the biggest battle of our professional lives fighting a school system to educate this child- and it was a war.

I love this child to this day. It’s not his fault at the world that he was handed. But, I have a hard time admitting this, he was too much for me. I wanted to adopt him, I wanted to make him a “Bucy”. He wanted too as well- but it was too much. Being a single parent is hard. Being a single parent of a special needs child is even harder. Not having family near makes it nearly impossible. I couldn’t get breaks- COVID didn’t help any. So after several meltdowns (ME), feeling emotions I hadn’t felt since a child, DCS decided to remove him from me unannounced. Deep down I knew it needed to happen, but it was still awful. I felt a little of what some of those parents must have felt when I showed up in my previous life and took their kiddos. What a full circle life can give us.

May 6 2021 is the last time a kiddo lived with me. My goal was to have my kiddo come back to me. He needed me- so I thought. So I worked the next 6 months to get him back. Dotting “I”s and crossing them “t”s. I left out drama related to my foster care license, but it is hard to understand that without understanding the system. So I was jumping through those hoops, and trying to get my sanity back. I wanted to be a full time foster parent but Indiana doesn’t allow that, so I had to get a job. In March I was hired by Centerstone but didn’t start until June. I am thankful for this job and the agency that is giving me an opportunity to restart my journey on being a therapist. It hasn’t been easy either. But here I am. Recently a new home was found for my kiddo and it was determined to move in that direction. I am grieving. My logical mind understands, my emotional mind is a mess.

So that’s my story. Not many people knew it, but I am throwing it out there so that people can continue to persevere, and move forward even when the times are tough. The biggest thing in this journey is me realizing my identity is NOT in my job, career path, or foster parenting- It is in JESUS. He is the only thing that matters and the reason for me getting up in the morning. I still don’t know where this journey is taking me, and I hate waiting. But I am going to take a few deep breaths, practice my mindfulness, and take it day by day. My story isn’t done.