Life

Unpack that word “life” and what it encompasses and dictionary.com gives us several definitions, one being, the animate existence or period of animate existence of an individual: to risk one’s life; a short life and a merry one. What intrigues me is the synonyms the website gives us:

vivacity, sprightliness, vigor, verve, activity, energy.

Have you faced life with vigor, energy, etc.? What a loaded question! I turned 40 this year… 40! I am not sure if any of us has life pan out as we planned or thought, I know I sure wasn’t even close. A Pandemic, living hundreds of miles from family, career struggles, financial struggles, FOSTER PARENTING. I laugh… you have to or you will cry.

In my 20s I was a picture of success and a vibrant social life. I would say I am almost the complete opposite now, and there is a lot to fill in the blanks there. When I get to heaven, Lord willing, I will definitely ask Him “why”, even though I trust I will probably have the answer by the time I knock on those pearly gates.

I have made a goal of utilizing this blog as a way to channel my life story, hoping maybe someone can learn something or whatever. It has been harder then I thought at getting my “words” out. But thanks to my training in human behavior, I do therapy in my head and try to encourage myself that “I will get there”. Tough statement for someone who feels like the past 10 years have been “You will get there”.

I doubt my parents imagined I’d be 40 and not married, living in Indiana, a social worker and a foster parent with 40 million animals. But here I am. I want to let you all know what I am going through right now, but it has been difficult to let people in. It may be pride, embarrassment, or probably stupid societal expectations of what “success” looks like. I think I will “get there”… soon. Things are in the works, God is working. I see it. It humbles me.

To not leave you hanging, or wondering about what in tarnation I am talking about I will leave you with a snippet that I will dig deeper into some other day. Monday I start a new job, at 40. On the bottom rung of an agency, with the hope that it will allow me to crawl out of this hole and get to where I thought I was going to be 10 years ago. I am nervous, anxious, about starting new. I worked in child services for 6+ years and I knew that job backwards and forwards- I loved it – though it ended up chewing me up inside and spitting me out.

Only a select few know, and I guess I will let it out, my foster kiddo who I have had since September 2020, was taken out of my home May 5 unexpectedly. It was mostly my fault, do to not building a support system and reaching out… and having a young man who was a lot more to handle then I ever thought. But I am his “mommy”, and I want to always be his mommy. So, by God’s grace, I am going to dust off my pride and embarrassment, get help, move forward and be the person that my boys and God desires me to be.

to be continued…